


i would burn here for years, up in desire

by wnnbh12



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 03:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9159694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wnnbh12/pseuds/wnnbh12
Summary: Kelley doesn't always make the best decisions.orFour times Kelley gets involved with a teammate and the one time it actually works out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> the 'chapter' titles are all from songs by the gaslight anthem. it's not really a soundtrack, i just liked the lyrics, but you can look them up and listen to them if you'd like bc they're my favorite band
> 
> i tried to fix the spacing between sections, but it won't work. so if it annoys you as much as it annoys me, i'm sorry

**_one--my first sin was a young american girl_ **

The first time Kelley sleeps with a teammate, she's too young and dumb (and far too much at the mercy of her hormones) to listen to the quiet little voice in the back of her head telling her that maybe, just maybe, this isn't a good idea.

 

She's sixteen-years-old and far too full of herself for her own good, let alone anyone else’s. She thinks she's invincible and she walks with a swagger that suggests she has all the secrets of the world figured out. She's still just figuring _herself_ out, though, let alone the rest of the world. 

 

Tobin has recently turned seventeen and has a smile just wide enough to crack through Kelley’s cool exterior and fill her chest with that same warm gooey feeling that makes Kelley roll her eyes when all the girls at her school are gushing about it. She has long legs and tanned skin that makes Kelley swallow hard when she strips her shirt off after a long training session. On the third day, she pours water down her back and it trails agonizingly slow down her broad shoulders to pool in the fabric of her sports bra. Kelley literally has to sit down and close her eyes to stop herself from having a heat stroke. 

 

Kelley’s never felt like this before. It isn't just that she's never felt like this about a girl. She's never felt like this about anyone. 

 

Her heart beats faster at the sound of Tobin’s laugh. She loses her train of thought so quickly when she’s around the girl and whenever Tobin smiles at her she forgets what it means to think rationally. All Kelley wants to do is make her laugh. She prides herself on the fact that she’s able to do it so much more easily than everyone else in camp.

 

Tobin doesn’t laugh at Casey’s jokes the same way she laughs at Kelley’s. Her eyes don’t crinkle quite as deeply around the edges. Her laugh doesn’t reach that rich, deep pitch when she laughs at Lauren’s antics the way it does when she laughs at Kelley’s impressions.

 

Those laughs are reserved just for Kelley.

 

Tobin also doesn’t touch anyone else as much as she touches Kelley. She doesn’t throw her arm casually around just anyone’s shoulders when they’re walking to the locker room after practice and hold them close. She doesn’t rest her legs in just anyone’s lap when they watch movies in the rec room. Her hand doesn’t lay gently across just anyone’s thigh when she wants their attention at dinner.

 

No, that’s just Kelley too.

 

Tobin looks at Kelley a lot too. Kelley quickly gets used to the feeling of having eyes on her and she knows it's Tobin. It makes her skin tingle knowing that Tobin can't take her eyes off her. Kelley will look at her too sometimes, watch the way Tobin’s rich brown eyes light up when they meet Kelley’s or the way Tobin smiles nervously sometimes when she's caught after staring a particularly long time. Kelley likes knowing Tobin is watching. It makes her try that much harder. She's playing better than she ever has and she knows it has everything to do with Tobin watching her every move and Kelley’s desperate need to impress the older girl. 

 

She goes to bed at night plagued with thoughts of Tobin. The girl makes her chest fill with fire and that fire only travels lower to collect low in her stomach and eventually between her thighs. She’s never felt like that before. No one has ever made her feel like that. She doesn’t know what to do with that feeling, but she knows she wants to do _something_.

 

Kelley doesn’t really remember the moment she realized she wanted anything to happen, but she remembers what makes her realize it’s going to. One week into camp they’re in the ice baths for recovery and even though the inflatable pool Kelley’s in is already full, Tobin wedges herself in right behind Kelley anyway. They’re pressed tightly against each other and when Kelley feels Tobin’s sports bra clad breasts press up against her back, her knees go weak. Tobin reaches out a hand to steady her, but she doesn’t pull away from her hip once she’s back on her feet. No, that hand stays and the fingertips work their way just under the elastic band of Kelley’s shorts in a way that sure as hell isn't accidental. 

 

She’s literally standing in a pool full of freezing cold water, but in that moment her entire body is set on fire. She feels heat surging through her from the bottom of her feet to her fingertips to her nose. Tobin’s set her ablaze and there’s nothing she can do about it.

 

She doesn't want to do anything about it.

 

Well, she wants to do some things about it.

 

Tobin leaves her hand there the whole time, subtly pressing into Kelley’s hip every few minutes just in case she forgot it was there. 

 

There’s no way Kelley could ever forget. She’s pretty sure when Tobin finally does take her hand away, there will be a red imprint burned into her skin, marking her forever.

 

She wouldn’t mind.

 

Two can play at this game, though, and so whenever the rest of the team is distracted by Amy impersonating one of their coaches, Kelley will press back into Tobin, roll her ass against Tobin’s front in a way she prays is suggestive. It is. She catches Tobin sucking in a breath and the hand on her hip pulls her in even tighter. Kelley smirks knowing she's successful. Tobin may be able to knock some of her cockiness out of her, but Kelley’s knocking Tobin’s out right back. 

 

Tobin leaves first, following after Casey when she says she’s going to hit up the snack machine while their coaches are in a meeting and can’t catch them. She presses Kelley’s hip once more and places the most inconspicuous of kisses to the top of her shoulder when no one’s looking.

 

Kelley still feels warm even after Tobin’s gone.

 

It's a promise that this isn't over, that she’ll be back to pick this up again. Kelley feels a hot tension rise low in her stomach and her thighs clench all on their own.

 

Nobody’s ever made her feel like this, but _god_ does she want to feel like this again soon. 

 

Hours later, she’s alone in her hotel room (as she has been the entire camp because her roommate has other friends and no intention of making more) when she hears a knock on the door. She knows it’s Tobin without even needing to check. Kelley hesitates before she rises from her bed, wonders if she should actually answer. She has a feeling Tobin’s only here for one thing and that terrifies her just as much as it excites her. 

 

Kelley has kissed people before.

 

Well, she’s kissed _guys_ before.

 

There was Ryan when she was ten who only kissed her because his friends dared him to. Then there was Ryan again two years later, but this time he kissed her because he wanted to. Tyson was a year after that and he smiled sweetly and asked for her permission first. Jake was her date to freshmen homecoming and he kissed her even after she’d told him three times she didn’t want to. Elliot was her neighbor’s cousin who stayed for the whole summer last year and he kissed Kelley a lot. He was two years older and wanted to do more, but aside from feeling her up over her shirt a couple times, she wouldn’t let him.

 

She’s kissed guys before, but she never felt knots in her stomach at the prospect of kissing them like she does when she realizes she might kiss Tobin.

 

She’s kissed guys before and Kelley thinks maybe that’s what the problem was. She didn’t get excited about the prospect of kissing them because they weren’t Tobin, they weren’t _girls_. Aside from Jake and her first kiss with Ryan, she wanted to be kissed all those times. She had been a willing participant, but she’s only just realizing maybe she only wanted to because she thought that was what she was supposed to want.

 

When she and Erin sneak out of their rooms after their parents are asleep to eat ice cream on the back deck at midnight, Erin will tell her all about the boy she likes that week and tell Kelley that one day she’ll find a guy like that. Kelley tries to let herself believe it.

 

Only she doesn’t want to find a guy like that.

 

She wants to find a _Tobin_ and now she has. She feels the same way about her that Erin always talks about feeling with those guys and Kelley understands what that’s like for the first time in her life. She understands the way Erin will get starry eyed when she talks about Craig or Damien or Jack.

 

That’s what Kelley feels like when she looks at Tobin.

 

She swallows whatever emotions she has whirling through her gut and hops up to open the door. She wants this. She knows she does. She just needs to take it.

 

Tobin’s in sweats that ride low and a t-shirt from her high school with her hair thrown up in a loose messy bun. Kelley’s seen her look like this all through camp but now it makes her stomach flutter more than usual. She looks so soft and warm and absolutely _beautiful_ that Kelley has to restrain herself from kissing Tobin right then and there.

 

Tobin has to restrain herself as well, but just barely. She at least has the decency to sit through the first twenty minutes of Sixteen Candles before she leans in and gently tilts Kelley’s chin towards her waiting mouth--pausing to see if Kelley will lean away--so it doesn’t seem like this is the only reason she came here.

 

They both know it is.

 

The rest of the movie goes completely unwatched.

 

Tobin kisses her and suddenly Kelley understands why this is a thing that people willingly do. It isn’t messy like it was with Tyson and she doesn’t feel like she has something to prove like she did with Elliot. It's slow and deliberate and though Kelley’s a natural born leader, she has no qualms about following Tobin diligently in this. 

 

Tobin kisses her and suddenly everything makes sense. It never felt right with any of those guys because they weren’t who she was supposed to be kissing. Just because her friends and her mom and Erin were always telling her she was going to meet a nice boy one day, it doesn’t mean they were right. It doesn’t necessarily mean they were wrong either, but they had the details a little backwards.

 

Tobin’s nice. She's kind and smart and funny and so beautiful. She's exactly the type of person she's always been told to look for except that she's a girl. Kelley doesn't mind that as much as she thought she might. In fact, she likes it. Girls are soft and gentle. Their skin is smooth and they smell so good it makes Kelley’s head spin. They taste like candy and make the smallest sighs that Kelley can’t get enough of. Tobin might just be one girl out of all the ones out there, she may not be the base point for all girls, but barely a minute in and Kelley’s kissed her long enough to know she'll never be kissing another guy again. 

 

Tobin kisses her and Kelley thinks she could kiss Tobin forever and never get bored.

 

Her hands are patient, placed lightly on the sides of Kelley’s face or across her ribs. She doesn’t try to reach under her shirt after only a couple minutes like Kelley’s come to almost expect. She just lightly strokes at the fabric of Kelley’s shirt with her fingertips or scratches gently along Kelley’s jaw.

 

She doesn’t force her tongue down her throat until Kelley feels like she’s going to choke. She slowly drags it along Kelley’s bottom lip to ask for permission and waits until Kelley opens her mouth before she eases her tongue inside.

 

Kelley can tell Tobin’s done this before by how confident she is with her lips, but she can also tell she hasn’t done much more by the way she falters when Kelley rolls over on top of her. She takes it in stride, though, and they figure it out together.

 

Kelley learns that Tobin likes it better when she uses her teeth on her collar bone than she does her lips.

 

Kelley learns that Tobin’s hand pressed flat against her bare stomach, fingers spread wide, affects her the same way as the glass of wine Erin stole for each of them at the O’Hara Christmas party this year.

 

Kelley learns that Tobin involuntarily whimpers whenever she nips at her bottom lip no matter how hard she tries to fight it.

 

Kelley learns that she has a sensitive spot just behind her ear and it sends a shiver down her spine every time Tobin presses her lips to it.

 

Kelley learns that Tobin likes to be on top, but Kelley also learns that she likes it more and eventually Tobin stops fighting her after she pins Tobin’s back to the mattress for the third time.

 

She’s sure she could keep kissing Tobin all night even though she’s out of breath and her lips are swollen and bruised, but when her hips grind down against Tobin’s on their own accord and Tobin lets out a low moan against her lips, Kelley’s the first one to pull away.

 

They breathe.

 

They alternate between locking eyes and studying each other’s features as they come down from their high and try to remember what it means to have air in their lungs. They don't say anything, just appreciate the weight of the situation they've found themselves in and press a series of relatively chaste kisses to whatever skin their lips can reach until they've finally gotten control of themselves again. 

 

Kelley doesn’t want Tobin to leave. She wants to stop-- _knows_ they should more than she wants to, really--but she doesn’t want her to leave. She tells Tobin as much and she doesn’t so much as hesitate before she works herself under the covers and folds into Kelley’s side as they make a second attempt at actually watching the movie they’ve already seen countless times.

 

If Kelley’s roommate thinks anything when she comes back later to find them passed out in each other’s arms, she never says anything.

 

They carry on in a similar fashion for the next two weeks. One of them will sneak into the other’s room when their roommate is out and they’ll kiss each other senseless for as long as they can.

 

Lauren nearly catches them four days later and even though they break apart and distance themselves as much as they can on Tobin’s full sized bed before Lauren rounds the corner, the way her eyes linger on them for a beat too long as they try to control their breathing tells Kelley that she’s figured it out. She never says anything, though, not to Kelley at least. She catches Lauren and Tobin whispering at dinner that night right after Amy jumps up for seconds, but Tobin doesn’t seem to be worried and so Kelley lets it go.

 

The more she kisses Tobin, the more she wants to do _more_ than kiss Tobin. It becomes harder and harder for Kelley to fight her hips from grinding down against Tobin’s and easier and easier for Tobin’s hands to slip under her shirt, fingertips teasing under the hem of her sports bra.

 

She lets Tobin touch her for real a week into it. Even though Tobin’s been relatively shy about it, Kelley knows how badly she wants to touch her. She wants Tobin to touch her just as badly. Tobin’s fingers fiddle with the elastic of Kelley’s bra for a full ten minutes before Kelley closes her hand over Tobin’s and slides it underneath. They both suck in a breath through their teeth when Tobin’s warm palm presses against the soft skin of Kelley’s breast for the first time.

 

It’s just a slippery slope from there on out.

 

The next night, they’re both shirtless before they bring things to a halt. The next, Kelley’s only in her sports bra and underwear. Two nights later, Tobin’s pants come off along with her bra. Two nights after that, Kelley’s roommate is already on her way back home and they take advantage of the situation. There isn’t a stitch of thread on either of them and suddenly there’s no going back.

 

It’s their last night together and something about it feels so final that neither of them puts a stop to it even though they definitely should. There's a feeling that when camp ends, so do they and this isn't something they’ll just pick up again the next time they see each other. There’s too much distance, too much life between them that they’d never be able to make something work the way they want. There's a finality to it all that has them both crossing lines they shouldn't, but there's no stopping now. 

 

Kelley learns there are a lot of things Tobin can do that make her toes curl and she also learns that Tobin tastes sweeter than she ever could have imagined.

 

Kelley has touched herself plenty of times to have a general idea of what she’s doing, but nothing prepares her for touching someone else like that for the first time. Tobin whines. It’s high pitched and desperate and Kelley figures she must be doing something right based on the way Tobin throws her head back into her pillow, mouth hanging open in a silent moan.

 

It’s over before it even really starts. It’s messy and fast and they’re both too easily worked up to able to drag it out the way they want to, but when Kelley’s back arches against Tobin’s hand, her vision blurs and Kelley knows there’s no going back for her.

 

Not with Tobin, strictly speaking, but with girls in general.

 

She really should have figured it out already after the last two weeks, but she’s more sure of herself now than she’s ever been about anything and she figures it’s better late than never.

 

Tobin doesn’t have quite the same reaction.

 

In the quiet moments after when their breathing just starts to even out and Kelley can still taste Tobin on her tongue, she hears a soft snuffle next to her and she looks over to see tears sliding down Tobin’s cheeks.

 

She doesn’t just cry in a soft way like she’s letting it sink in that this huge thing just happened to her. She cries in a way that makes her shoulders wrack with sobs and her hands shake as she frantically tries to get dressed.

 

Kelley tries to calm her down, tries to say something, anything, to get through to her, but either Tobin can’t hear her or she’s ignoring her completely.

 

Tobin dresses in a rush, forgetting her underwear completely and pulling on Kelley’s shirt instead of her own and then she’s out the door so quickly it takes Kelley a moment to convince herself she didn’t just imagine it all. When it sinks in for her that it wasn’t just a dream, that she really did just lose her virginity with Tobin and she ran out crying afterwards, Kelley cries too.

 

It’s softer than Tobin’s cries, not as panicked and scared. She’s just confused. She doesn’t understand what freaked Tobin out so much. Kelley had been so sure of herself afterwards, but it seems like Tobin was the complete opposite.

 

She wipes away her tears as best she can when she hears a knock on the door long minutes later. There’s a big part of her that hopes it’s Tobin, but there’s an even bigger part of her that knows it isn’t.

 

She shouldn’t be surprised when she sees Lauren on the other side of the door and she _really_ shouldn’t be surprised when Lauren wraps her arms around her knowingly and whispers that everything’s going to be okay when Kelley starts crying again.

 

Lauren holds her and doesn’t ask questions, though she does try to tell Kelley it isn’t her fault Tobin ran out. She _does_ tell Kelley religion and family are so important to Tobin and she didn’t mean to start freaking out afterwards, but Kelley barely hears it. Right now she just wants her back rubbed until she falls asleep and so that’s exactly what Lauren does for her.

 

She tells Kelley she worked out a few roommate switches so that Casey and Amy can be with Tobin tonight and Lauren can be with her because she doesn’t want her to be alone. She helps Kelley strip the sheets off her bed, not because Kelley plans on sleeping there--not after what happened--but because Kelley can’t stand to look at the tangled sheets any longer, still covered in traces of Tobin. She tells Kelley to shower and puts on cartoons when Kelley gets back, something light and simple that won’t make her think so much.

 

Kelley starts drifting to sleep easier than she thought she would once her head is resting on Lauren’s stomach and Lauren starts scratching her back, but there’s one last thing she needs to know before she slips away.

 

“Is she okay?”

 

She starts to ask again, worried that Lauren’s sweatshirt and her sleepy voice muffled her words, but then Lauren’s reply comes through and she feels a little better.

 

“She will be.”

 

Kelley sleeps restlessly that night.

 

Tobin doesn’t come down to breakfast that morning, but the reassuring smile Kelley gets from Amy lets her know not to worry too much. She still barely eats her food, though.

 

An hour later she’s packing her bag for her flight home later in the afternoon when she hears a gentle knock on the door.

 

Two weeks ago, her heart raced at the thought of Tobin on the other side.

 

It stops beating completely now.

 

She answers the door not only because she knows she has to, but also because she wants to. She isn’t mad at Tobin, she tried to be, but she can’t be mad at her for reacting to such a huge thing differently than she did. Whereas Kelley stopped listening to her Southern Baptist grandmother preaching in her ear about ‘the way things are supposed to be’ years ago, Tobin grew up in the church and there’s a worn bible constantly on her nightstand that she reads from every morning, even on the mornings she woke up tangled with Kelley.

 

Tobin won’t let her apologize. She rambles off her own until they’re both crying again, but it isn’t the same as last night. Tobin doesn’t run this time. She lets Kelley kiss away her tears and she’s the one who tugs at Kelley’s shirt first. There’s an initial protest from Kelley, but Tobin assures her it’s okay and kisses away any remaining doubt.

 

It’s slower this time. They savor it and memorize the way the other feels and tastes and sounds. Kelley gets the better end of the deal when Tobin insists on getting her off for a second time after Kelley’s returned the first favor, but Kelley certainly isn’t complaining.

 

This time Tobin stays. She can’t stay long because Kelley has to leave in an hour for her flight and Tobin’s yet to pack for hers, but she stays as long as she can. They trace their fingers over smooth bare skin and kiss slowly until their jaws hurt.

 

When Tobin kisses her goodbye, they both know this will be the last time it happens. Tobin still has so much she needs to figure out and they live too far away to ever try and make something work. They know they owe it to themselves to not make a habit out of this when they’re in camp and then hit the brakes as soon as they’re back home. They deserve more than that. 

 

Kelley wants more than what Tobin can give her and Tobin isn’t ready to give anyone anything yet except for herself. It hurts, but they know it’s for the best.

 

When Tobin holds her tight and whispers in Kelley’s ear that she doesn’t regret anything, that she’d do it all again if she had to, Kelley believes her.

 

It certainly wasn’t what Kelley imagined in her head all those times she thought about her first time, but she wouldn’t change it for anything. The tears, the heartache, the second guessing, it’s all worth it in the end.

 

She’s learned far too much about herself to ever want to take any of it back.

**_two--and i’ll always remember you as wild as they do come_ **

The second time it happens, Kelley’s more experienced, but she's no more prepared than she was with Tobin.

 

Christen is bright eyed and fiery on the field and so goddamn beautiful that Kelley can’t help but crave her. The first time Christen tackles her at practice and then makes a solo run all the way back down the field to score a brilliant goal, Kelley knows she’s a goner.

 

The more she gets to know Christen, the more she wants to show her all the things she learned last year with the junior lacrosse player who sat next to Kelley in her psych class.

 

Christen’s shy, though.

 

She has her moments where she’s laughing and joking around with the team just like everyone else, but there are also times where she’ll slip away to juggle on her own or hang behind after practice to take extra shots on goal all by herself.

 

Kelley wants Christen, but Kelley isn’t so sure Christen wants her.

 

There’s a guy back home who’s far too prominent in Christen’s facebook feed to be considered just a friend even though that’s what Christen swears they are now. Nima is cute and lanky and the way Christen hangs on him in pictures makes Kelley’s blood boil.

 

It’s irrational, she knows.

 

Christen isn’t hers. She has no right to be jealous of her in pictures with some guy, especially a guy she’s never even met and apparently Christen isn’t even dating, but Kelley can’t help it. Christen smiles too much when she texts him and name drops him in conversations too often for Kelley to feel comfortable with it.

 

Kelley makes herself get over Christen quickly. It clearly isn’t going to happen so Kelley finds a basketball player to distract herself from whatever feelings she’s developed.

 

They’re in Washington for their last away game of the season when suddenly it all falls together.

 

They’re in their shared room and Kelley’s shuffling through the limited DVD collection she brought along when all of a sudden Christen knocks the movies out of her hands and presses her lips against Kelley’s.

 

It only lasts a moment and Kelley pulls away with wide eyes and eyebrows raised as high as they’ll go.

 

Christen mutters something about Kelley taking too long before Kelley’s even able to ask what just happened and then it’s Kelley’s turn to kiss her. She presses her fingers into Christen’s thighs and lifts until she gets the hint and jumps up to wrap her legs around Kelley’s waist. She sets her down on the dresser and barely kisses her for a minute before she realizes that this isn’t going to be as simple as just a kiss. Christen knows what she wants and she’s more than happy to help Kelley along until she catches up on her own.

 

Kelley learns quickly that Christen isn’t as shy as she appears to be. She proves that well enough when she slips her hands down the back of Kelley’s shorts to grip her ass. Kelley knows that Christen knows she isn’t wearing any underwear. Christen clearly doesn’t mind.

 

Kelley also learns that Christen likes to be in control. Kelley’s back is on the mattress, stripped of her shirt and sports bra within minutes and Kelley’s whole ‘dominant’ thing she’s had going on with everyone else she’s been with is thrown out the window. Christen is in charge of this and Kelley doesn’t even try to fight her when she’s peeled off her shorts and is sliding one finger in.

 

Christen knows what she’s doing. She may have been quick about getting to this point, but she takes her time now that she’s here. She builds Kelley up slowly, pushes her right to the edge and then stops completely, kisses the insides of her thighs for a couple minutes instead before she starts back up again. She ignores Kelley’s begging and keeps things at whatever pace she pleases. It’s infuriating for Kelley during, but the payoff is like lightning through her veins as her vision whites out. She’s never come so hard before and she’s left a panting, shaking mess when Christen’s finished.

 

Kelley needs a full ten minutes before she’s able to return the favor.

 

Christen’s in control in this aspect too, telling Kelley what she wants her to do and directing her hands and tongue. It’s so fucking hot and Kelley certainly doesn’t mind. She’d intended to teach Christen a thing or two, but instead Christen’s teaching her.

 

It happens twice more that night and Kelley’s so exhausted by the end of it, she finds herself furious at the fact they have such an early flight home in the morning. She never wants to leave this bed with Christen, never wants to put clothes back on and have to face the real world again.

 

Kelley wakes up in the morning with Christen wrapped around her and she knows right away that this is going to be different than it was with Tobin.

 

With Tobin, they’d gotten caught up in the excitement of it all, wanting a girl for the first time and realizing what that meant, that they’d mistaken their hormones for actual feelings. Once they’d had time to work on themselves, they’d gotten past it and Tobin became one of Kelley’s best friends.

 

This doesn’t feel like that.

 

It doesn’t feel big in a way that makes Kelley feel like Christen will be expecting this to be something more serious, but she has a feeling this isn’t just a one off thing. On the flight back to school, Christen’s hand doesn’t leave Kelley’s thigh under the cheap airline blanket and that's all the confirmation Kelley needs. 

 

After that, it's over a year of Kelley sneaking Christen past her sorority sisters late at night or Kelley creeping out of Christen’s apartment in the morning before her roommates wake up. 

 

It's never anything more than sex with them. There's no hand holding or romantic dates. They're simply friends who fuck when they're bored or the mood strikes them. Kelley realizes early on she's more of a stress relief for Christen than anything else--a way to wind down after a bad game or relax before a big exam--but she's okay with that. Neither wants anything more and so it works for them. 

 

They're still good friends. They're still teammates. They just also happen to know all the secrets of each other’s bodies. 

 

Kelley sees a couple other girls during her lulls with Christen and there's a guy that Christen twice has a brief fling with, but it isn't until one of Kelley’s sorority sisters who she’s sort of been crushing on for months kisses her for the first time that Kelley realizes she might want something more with someone else. 

 

Christen’s chill about it, like she has been with everything. She's happy Kelley’s found someone and so they end things and move on like it never happened. Kelley knows they were walking a thin line and things could've ended badly had either of them ever actually developed feelings, but it didn't happen.

 

It’s bad in a way because this just reinforces the idea that she can do stupid things like sleep with her teammates and get away with it. Deep down she’s a creature of habit, though, so until it ends up biting her in the ass, she’ll keep on doing what she pleases.

**_three--so you sing me a slow song, and i’ll drive you crazy tonight_ **

It isn’t technically with a teammate the third time and Kelley only has a vague recollection of it, but that’s kind of the beauty of it.

 

Kelley’s at UNC visiting Tobin on a bye week for an extended weekend and she manages to drag Tobin to an all day block party on frat row with the rest of the soccer team.

 

Kelley’s girlfriend broke up with her a month ago and she’s still a little torn up about it, so she plans on drinking her suffering away and maybe finding a cute girl to occupy her time.

 

Tobin quickly discovers she’s surprisingly great at beer pong and so Kelley ends up leaving her with Casey and Nikki while she goes off in search of something stronger than the lukewarm beer from kegs that have been sitting in the sun too long.

 

Kelley’s always been proud of her exceptional tolerance, but a combination of the hot sun, not eating since breakfast and the way too strong drinks poured by the sisters at tri-sig means that she’s making her way back to the soccer house with the second wave of Tobin’s teammates well before she’d planned on going back.

 

She knows Tobin isn’t back yet, she’s still undefeated at beer pong and has a long line of frat guys convinced they’ll be able to take her down (spoiler alert: they don’t), but she heads up to Tobin’s room anyway, in desperate need of sleep, and collapses into what she thinks is Tobin’s bed the moment she steps through the door.

 

She doesn’t collapse into Tobin’s bed, though.

 

She collapses into her roommate’s.

 

Her roommate who is also currently laying in the bed.

 

Kelley’s halfway through slurring out an apology when there’s a gentle hand wrapping around her wrist and pulling her back down to bed with a smirk that's as equally suggestive as it is knowing.

 

If Kelley’s being honest, she didn’t expect to leave North Carolina without this happening. Tobin’s roommate has been eyeing Kelley all weekend and initiated any kind of physical contact she could without being glaringly obvious to everyone else in the room. She hasn’t been subtle in the least, but Kelley doesn’t mind.

 

She's cute, funny and has legs that go on for days. She's also taller, which Kelley has discovered is a huge turn on for her. Kelley knows she’s straight, and more curious than she is bi, but she let the alcohol in her veins give her enough confidence to grind on Kelley at one of the frat houses and make out for a few minutes for fun at another.

 

Yeah, Kelley knew this would happen--hoped to god that it would--but she’s been biding her time for the right moment and apparently the ‘right moment’ is when they’re both a little too drunk to think any better of it.

 

If Kelley didn’t already know, she’d be able to tell right away that she’s the first girl Allie’s ever been with. She feels bad about it in a moment of clarity and tries to put a stop to things until they’re a least a little more sober, but Allie’s just so _eager_ and she isn’t going to let Kelley get away that easily.

 

Kelley tries to be as considerate as her drunk mind is capable of. She takes care of Allie first, twice for good measure, and she doesn’t ask for anything in return afterwards, but she certainly doesn’t turn Allie down when she flips their positions and slips a hand between her legs. She’s sobered enough at this point to coach Allie through it and to make all the proper reactions to let Allie know she’s doing a good job, even if she is exaggerating a little bit to boost Allie’s confidence as much as she can. The extra confidence just makes things even better for the both of them.

 

They sleep afterwards, upper bodies angled slightly away, but legs tangled together under the sheets.

 

Just before Kelley drifts off to sleep, she thinks she hears the door open and a muttered curse word before it closes again, but she can’t be positive.

 

Allie isn’t there in the morning, but only because they both understand this isn’t going to be some ‘big thing.’ It was a drunken hookup so that Allie could explore her curiosity and that’s all it’s ever going to be, but that sure as hell doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun.

 

When Kelley goes down to the kitchen for black coffee and as much water as she can gulp down, she purposely trails her hand up Allie’s spine when she moves around her just to hear the little intake of breath it causes.

 

Tobin’s smirking when she asks Allie about the bruise on her neck.

 

Casey stifles a laugh.

 

Nikki chokes on her orange juice.

 

Allie blushes fiercely.

 

Kelley beams proudly.

 

Allie helps Kelley pack her bag before she heads to the airport. They’re talking and laughing like nothing’s changed and Kelley knows then that she’s made a good friend. A friend who knows what she looks like naked and the way she whimpers when the spot behind her ear is kissed, but still.

 

Allie’s a friend the same way that Tobin’s a friend and Christen too. Clearly that’s worked out for her before so there’s no reason to think it won’t now. Kelley can feel a bad habit being formed, but she isn’t sure she’s ready to break it just yet.

 

Kelley leaves Chapel Hill with bruises covering the insides of her thighs and Allie’s number scrawled across a scrap of notebook paper under the words ‘for a good time, call ;)’.

**_four--i loved her like fire until it drove me insane_ **

The fourth time it happens is the first time it breaks her heart.

 

She’s been doing this so well, screwing around with her teammates and then moving on like things never happened and it’s made her comfortable. It’s made her believe that she can just keep on repeating the same cycle and everything will be fine. That’s the way it’s always been so there’s no reason to believe it won’t continue to be.

 

But she’s wrong.

 

Alex ruins all that.

 

She's known Alex for a few years through the youth national teams, but they never really spent enough time together to get to know each other. Then they get called up to the senior team at the same time and though they're competing for the same roster spot, they become friends quickly. 

 

They spend all their free time together, sprawled across beds, camped out in hallways with a deck of cards and a nest of blankets from their beds, out on balconies after curfew, complaining about their professors and discussing the pros and cons of playing overseas after graduation.

 

They spend all the rest of their time together too. At training they pair up without hesitation. Even when they’re on opposite sides for scrimmages, they mark each other at every given opportunity. At team meals and meetings, they’re always next to each other, chairs pushed together close and laughing with one another to jokes no one else on the team understands.

 

They’re friends instantly, but Kelley knows there’s something deeper there.

 

She also knows it’s one-sided, so she does her best to squash it down and be appreciative of the time she does get to spend with Alex and try not to be selfish enough to ruin things by making a move, one she knows would never be reciprocated.

 

Alex has a boyfriend, Servando, who she’s been with for a couple years. She talks about him all the time, seemingly name dropping him whenever the opportunity presents itself, though she presses her luck a lot with that and sometimes just slips his name in whenever she feels like it, even when he has nothing to do with the conversation at hand.

 

The way she says his name makes Kelley’s skin crawl. Ser- _vaahhn_ -do, like he’s some exotic, older millionaire who whisks her away to his private island on the weekends and not a scrawny boy with shaggy hair and a poor excuse for a mustache.

 

Kelley does her best to nod and give appropriate comments when necessary. It’s hard hearing about him, but it would be harder not having Alex in her life at all. It’s crazy because they’ve only known each other (at least on this deeper level) a few weeks, two camps worth of time with over a month in between, but she values her friendship with Alex enough to persevere through her feelings.

 

Then Alex kisses her.

 

It doesn’t mean anything to Alex, Kelley knows it doesn’t. They’re tipsy off one of the cheap bottles of champagne Megan talked the concierge at the front desk into getting for them, out on the balcony to Alex’s room when Kelley asks Alex what she thinks her best quality is.

 

Kelley expects her to say something easy, her blue eyes, her soccer abilities, her humor (even though Kelley knows she really isn’t that funny), but instead, she tells Kelley she’s a fantastic kisser.

 

Kelley laughs for a moment, taking another long pull from the bottle, but when she swallows, she notices Alex isn’t laughing. She’s completely serious, her face set into an offended grimace as she insists that she’s a really great kisser and everyone she’s ever made out with has told her so.

 

That’s when Kelley gets flustered.

 

They’ve talked about kissing before, but it’s only been Alex complaining about how scratchy Servando’s patchy facial hair is and Kelley telling her kissing girls is so much better because she doesn’t have to worry about that. This feels different, though. It’s heavy in a way that has Kelley swallowing hard, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat as her eyes glance down to Alex’s lips. She wants to know desperately if they’re as soft and smooth as they seem to be.

 

Alex must notice where she’s looking because she says, “if you don’t believe me, then I’ll just have to prove it to you,” and then she’s leaning across the cheap metal bench and pressing her lips against Kelley’s.

 

Her lips are so much softer than Kelley ever could’ve imagined. They taste like champagne and gummy worms and Kelley swears she’s getting a cavity from how sweet Alex’s mouth tastes.

 

It’s just a simple kiss, lips pressed to lips, and Kelley thinks that’s all it’s going to be.

 

Then Alex takes Kelley’s bottom lip between hers and it’s like floodgates open.

 

Kelley knows she shouldn’t be doing this. She _really_ shouldn’t be doing this, but she can’t help herself. Alex is so willing and leading the way and Kelley can’t help but follow.

 

There’s a lot of lips, minimal teeth, and then Alex’s tongue as it presses past Kelley’s lips. Kelley doesn’t really know what’s happening, but she just goes along with it, committing every single moment of this to memory because she knows it’s never going to happen again.

 

Kelley doesn’t know how long they kiss for, but by the end of it, she’s breathing heavily as Alex untangles her fingers from Kelley’s hair and pulls away. By the light of the city six floors down, Kelley can see how red and swollen Alex’s lips are and all she wants to do is nip and bite at them until they’re absolutely ruined.

 

Alex laughs, hiccups a little, and then says, “see, I told you I was a good kisser.” She reaches for the champagne bottle that got pressed between them during the kiss and somehow managed not to fall over, taking a long pull and hiccupping again once she’s swallowed.

 

Kelley’s still rooted to the same spot, in absolute shock over what just happened. She’s had too much alcohol in order to process the past few minutes, but honestly, she doesn’t think she’d be able to process it even if she were sober.

 

Alex kissed her.

 

Alex _kissed_ her.

 

It didn't mean anything, just a stupid, drunken challenge that Alex is far too competitive to have passed on. Kelley doesn't even know if Alex will remember this in the morning, but she knows she will. 

 

She wakes up the next morning in a cold sweat, alone in her bed with a headache that feels like water has seeped into the sutures in her skull and is freezing, slowly splitting her head open from the inside out. 

 

Rachel is fast asleep in the bed beside her, alarm not due to go off for another thirty minutes. Kelley takes advantage of the semi-alone time and heads to the bathroom. 

 

She splashes cold water on her face, once, twice, three times to try and jolt herself out of her stupor. She takes one of the plastic cups from the counter and downs two cups full of icy water, but it does nothing to rid the taste of Alex’s lips from her mouth. She splashes water on her face twice more, but still, it does nothing, so she decides to hop in the shower, turning it as cold as she can bear. 

 

The water bites at her skin, makes her start shivering within minutes, but she doesn't turn it any warmer. She needs the wakeup call, the punishment for doing what she did. 

 

It was stupid, so stupid. Alex has a boyfriend and has absolutely no feelings for Kelley outside the realm of friendship. Kelley had no business kissing her and yet she did. Sure, Alex initiated it, but Alex is a lightweight and was more drunk than Kelley was. She didn't know what she was doing and as the older, more sober of the two, Kelley should've put a stop to it. She shouldn't have let it happen at all and she certainly shouldn't have let it go on as long as it did. 

 

After several minutes of standing under the stream of water, she finally sets herself with the task of washing her hair and body. She scrubs at her skin roughly, like that'll erase the fingerprints Alex left behind on her back, her ribs, the outside of her thighs. 

 

Eventually, she steps out of the shower and dries off. She takes a good, long hard look at herself in the mirror, telling herself to forget about it and let things go back to the way they were before. Sure, she likes Alex, but she needs to just keep those feelings to herself. She's done it well enough up to this point, she can continue to do so. 

 

She brushes her teeth for longer than necessary, refusing to stop until all she can taste is mint and not the sugary sweet gummy worms Alex had been eating before they went out on the balcony. 

 

When she finally steps out of the bathroom, Rachel is awake in her bed, scrolling through emails on her phone. “Finally,” she groans, though Kelley knows she's just teasing and has only been up a couple minutes. “You better have left me some hot water.”

 

As Rachel jumps up from the bed to enter the bathroom, Kelley just forces a playful smile, not telling her she didn't use a drop of hot water, so there's no reason to worry. 

 

Kelley sits on the edge of her bed, staring at the floor until she hears Rachel turn off the shower and then she gets up to get dressed so they can head down to breakfast. 

 

She doesn't know why this is upsetting her so much. She's never been so sensitive when it comes to another girl, but then again, she's never had feelings for a straight girl before. She's liked girls who didn't like her back, but it's different when there's no chance at all of the other girl liking her back because they don't like girls at all. 

 

She doesn't know what to do with these unrequited feelings, so instead of trying to process them, she swallows them whole. They stick in her throat like a dry pill, but she just forces them down deep, refusing to acknowledge their presence even though they weigh her down like an anchor tied around her ribs, cracking her open with every movement. 

 

Things go back to normal with Alex, like nothing happened at all. Alex is bright and chipper at breakfast and Kelley does her best to feed off that until she's acting as normal as she can manage. 

 

When they part ways at the airport, Alex kisses her on the cheek. It's light and friendly and Kelley does her best to convince herself that's all it was, not read into an innocent gesture. 

 

They continue to be friends for a year and everything is great between them. Kelley finds other girls to distract her and after a few months, Kelley starts to forget the way Alex sighed when she ran her tongue across her bottom lip. 

 

Then they lose the World Cup final. 

 

They’re all devastated. They all cry--on the field, in the locker room, on the bus, in the hotel lobby. They’re all heartbroken and miserable and need to deal with this in their own ways.

 

Some go off with their family members, wanting the comfort of home. Some go out and drink, wanting the comfort of alcohol. Some cluster together in the training room, wanting the comfort of each other. Some go back to their rooms and try to sleep, wanting the comfort of a warm bed.

 

Kelley and Alex are in that last group.

 

Heather is with her fiancée for the night, so Kelley has her room to herself. She doesn’t invite Alex to join her, Alex doesn’t ask if she can. It isn’t necessary. There’s a silent understanding between them that while they don’t want to be with the rest of the team, would rather be by themselves, they’re each other’s exception.

 

As soon as they get in the room, Kelley takes the medal from where it’s buried deep in her sweatpants pocket and stuffs it in a rolled up pair of socks at the bottom of her suitcase like she never wants to see it again.

 

She doesn’t.

 

Kelley gives Alex a change of clothes and then grabs her own and heads to the bathroom. She changes slowly, but it’s not intentional. She’s trying as hard as she can, but her limbs feel heavy, her muscles tight, and she can’t will them to move any faster than they are. She brushes her teeth and does her best to wash the dried tears off her cheeks, but there are fresh ones to replace them so it’s a fruitless effort.

 

When she goes back out into the room, Alex isn’t there. Kelley notices her out on the balcony, leaning over the railing with slumped shoulders, still in her team gear instead of the clothes Kelley gave her.

 

Kelley watches her a moment, watches the subtle movements in her back as she breathes, the way her hair--still wet from her post game shower--clings to her neck as her head hangs low, the way she keeps kicking lightly at one of the metal rods of the railing, just barely moving her leg.

 

She’s still beautiful, even like this. Even in utter heartbreak, Kelley still thinks she’s the most beautiful girl she’s ever seen.

 

She feels selfish for thinking that, now certainly isn’t the time, but she can’t help it.

 

Distractions have come frequently for her in the last year and while they worked short-term to help her forget about her feelings for Alex, nothing lasted. She still likes her, still wants her, still feels guilty for feeling that way.

 

Now isn’t the time to think about that, though. Alex needs her, needs her friendship.

 

That’s it.

 

Kelley knows better than anyone the pressure Alex has put on herself. Alex’s quiet confession in the stairwell after curfew the night before their opening match is still burned in her brain. Kelley will never forget the way her voice trembled as Alex whispered, “I’m scared,” against her shoulder, never forget the weight in her words, the exhaustion already there despite the tournament not even having started yet.

 

She gives Alex another moment to herself and then she forces her feet to move and joins her on the balcony.

 

Alex doesn’t say anything when she hears Kelley slide open the glass door. She doesn’t say anything as Kelley closes the short distance between them. She doesn’t say anything as Kelley leans against the railing next to her, shoulders pressed together.

 

Kelley looks over and sees that Alex has her silver medal hanging from her index finger, dangerously close to the end, as she swings it back and forth over the edge of the railing. They’re ten floors up with a park beneath them with tall trees with branches that look like jagged claws, tearing apart the blue-black night. If she dropped her medal from here, it would probably get caught on one of those branches and they’d never find it.

 

“Alex,” Kelley warns, not convinced that Alex won’t actually let the medal fall from her finger.

 

It’s hypnotizing, the way the moon reflects off the silver medal as it swings back and forth with a steady rhythm. It lulls Kelley into a false sense of calm, let’s her think for a moment maybe things aren’t actually as twisted as they seem.

 

“I don’t want this,” Alex finally says, voice so much raspier than usual.

 

Kelley thought her heart was already broken, but the last piece of it still intact shatters when she hears the pain in Alex’s voice. She doesn’t know what to do, she wants to say something, _do_ something to help take some of that pain away, but she doesn’t know what.

 

“I don’t ever want to see it again,” Alex adds, speeding up her swings.

 

Kelley watches as the blue ribbon of the medal moves closer, _dangerously_ closer, to the end of Alex’s finger. She knows Alex is upset, but she also knows she doesn’t really want to do this. She’s too hurt to think rationally and it’s up to Kelley to convince her of that.

 

She just doesn’t know what to say in order to do that.

 

“You did everything you could,” she tries.

 

Alex scoffs angrily, letting Kelley know that wasn’t the right thing to say. “Yeah, and look what that fucking got me,” Alex spits out. “No trophy, no glory, no celebration.” Kelley can hear how loudly she swallows before she adds, “no boyfriend.”

 

That really shouldn’t be the detail Kelley focuses on. Again, she’s being selfish by ignoring all the other things Alex is lacking and only focusing on the last one, but she can’t help it.

 

“What do you mean no boyfriend?”

 

Alex stops swinging the medal, but she doesn’t pull it back over the edge. She’s staring right at it as she says, “he broke up with me two months ago, said me being away so much was ‘too hard’ on him. Coward.”

 

“You never said anything.”

 

“I didn’t want to be a distraction,” Alex tells her. “I thought I could just stay quiet about it and use it as motivation to win. That sure as hell didn’t work.” The medal starts swinging again, slowly this time, like it’s taking too much out of her to do something so simple.

 

“Alex…”

 

“It’s fine,” Alex snaps. “It’s not a big deal. He’s just a boy.”

 

“Maybe, but he’s a boy that you love,” Kelley says.

 

“Love fades. Relationships end. Games are lost. Sometimes things just…slip through our fingers.”

 

The medal starts to fall, Alex giving in to the pain and finally just letting it drop, but Kelley’s quick. Her hand darts out and she manages to get her pinkie caught on the ribbon. She closes her fist tightly and pulls the medal up and back over onto the right side of the balcony.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Alex huffs out, defeated. “I don’t want it.”

 

“Maybe not now, but one day you will,” whether Kelley is saying this for Alex’s sake or her own, she isn’t sure. “You did absolutely everything you could, Alex. Maybe you don’t have the trophy you wanted to affirm that, but this medal does, even if it’s the wrong color. You fought so hard. You did so well and you contributed so much. You’ve done more than you’ll ever know and one day you’re going to be proud of that. It might take you a long time to realize it, but one day you’re going to be able to look back and be proud about how hard you tried. You may not have one, but you left absolutely everything out on that field tonight and I promise you that’s something to be proud of, even if you can’t see it right now. Until then, I’ll tell you how proud I am of you until you start to believe it.”

 

Alex finally looks up from the ground below, turns her head to look right at Kelley. She can’t make sense of the look in Alex’s eyes, but something about it shakes her to her core. She’s still crying, but the tears are silent, there aren’t any sobs, they’re just falling from her eyes, too weak to hold them in.

 

Kelley might be imagining it, but she thinks Alex moves infinitesimally closer to her, presses herself more tightly against Kelley’s side.

 

“You really mean that?” Alex asks, her blue eyes dark and dangerous.

 

Kelley knows that look now, knows what Alex is after. She saw that same look a year ago right before Alex kissed her.

 

She should put a stop to this. They’re both too heartbroken to be able to think clearly about this, but they’re also too broken to care. Kelley wants comfort. Alex wants comfort. Why can’t they find that with each other?

 

There is no Servando to worry about this time, no press in the morning, no celebratory interviews and phone calls, no mandatory team breakfast.

 

They’ve got nothing to look forward to.

 

They’ve got nothing to lose when they’ve already lost so much.

 

They move towards each other in sync, quickly and without patience. They don’t waste any time about it, Alex’s hands finding their way under Kelley’s shirt to scratch at her back, Kelley’s tongue asking for permission before rolling past Alex’s lips. It’s hurried and rough and everything this shouldn’t be, but neither of them care.

 

Alex’s lips taste like salt while last time they were impossibly sweet, but that doesn’t stop Kelley. She nips at Alex’s lower lip until she hears a desperate sigh, then she knots a fist in the fabric of Alex’s shirt and pulls her in as closely as she can.

 

“Please, Kelley,” Alex begs, desperate words tumbling into Kelley’s mouth like a prayer. “Please… _please_.”

 

The medal clatters to the cement as Kelley pushes Alex back into the room.

 

It’s fast. It’s so fast, exhaustion and need taking their toll and making this end before it’s really even started.

 

They’re both naked in minutes, under the covers of Kelley’s bed. Alex straddles Kelley’s hips with a hand between her legs, fingers turning in quick circles as Kelley pushes two into Alex. The position should be awkward and difficult to maintain, but they’re both too worked up to care.

 

They fall together, hips jerking into each other’s hands. Alex’s lips fall open in a desperate cry as Kelley bites down on the already purple mark she made on Alex’s collarbone.

 

Alex rolls off with a content sigh, but Kelley isn’t quite finished.

 

She knows the chances of this happening again are nonexistent and she doesn’t want to pass up on this opportunity without doing everything she wants to.

 

Kelley makes her way down Alex’s body, nipping and kissing as she goes, making Alex squirm beneath her. It’s faster this time than it was before, Alex still on edge and only needing a few minutes to fall again, but Kelley savors every moment of it.

 

The way she tastes, the way she sounds, the way she moves, Kelley commits it all to memory.

 

She never wants to forget this.

 

Though, maybe she should.

 

When Kelley moves back up the bed to lay next to Alex, a careful distance away, she waits until Alex falls asleep to react. Her breaths slow and the tension in her body releases…and then Kelley cries.

 

It’s quiet, she doesn't want to wake Alex. 

 

She tells herself to get out of the bed, she shouldn't be here next to Alex, not now, but she can’t get her limbs to cooperate. 

 

This is bad.

 

This is so bad. 

 

She shouldn't have done this, should have stopped it. Neither of them are coherent enough to have been able to put an end to it, though. They're both hurting and they saw a way to make the pain stop, at least for a while, so they ran with it. 

 

Kelley doesn't sleep that night. She lays there silently, listening to Alex breathe, and wishing more than anything she could go back and fix this, stop it from happening at all. 

 

She's out of bed before the sun rises, especially before Alex does.

 

She laces up her sneakers, pulls on sweats and sets off through the city. They aren't supposed to go anywhere on their own, especially not without telling someone where they’re going, but obviously she isn't any good at making decisions right now. 

 

She doesn't know how long she runs for, but she doesn't stop until the sun is up and her shirt is drenched in sweat and her legs ache so badly they almost make her forget about the pain in her chest. 

 

Almost. 

 

She's a couple miles from the hotel when she turns around, walking this time. The city is waking up around her, but Kelley doesn't see any of it, doesn't hear it. She's too lost in her head to pay attention to anything else going on around her. 

 

By the time she makes it back to the hotel and up to their floor, her teammates are up and milling around. All of them wear matching red-rimmed eyes and step with slow, weighted steps.

 

Tobin gives her a tight, forced smile when Kelley passes her, coffee cup gripped tightly between her fingers.

 

Ali gives her a pat on the back when they cross paths.

 

Abby gives her a small grunt in greeting, but then she just continues on her way.

 

No one says anything, there’s nothing to say. Kelley continues towards her room, dreading having to face Alex. Part of her hopes she’s gone, but then part of her hopes she isn’t. If she’s still there, that might be a good thing. If she’s still there, then she doesn’t think it’s a mistake, she isn’t running.

 

Kelley doesn’t know which she wants more.

 

When she opens the door, she hears a muttered curse. She looks up to see Alex standing in front of Kelley’s bed, halfway through pulling on her shirt.

 

For a moment, they both freeze. They stare at each other, they don’t say anything.

 

Kelley feels a chill run down her spine and she knows this is a bad, bad sign. It’s bad enough that Alex is running, it’s even worse that Kelley caught her in the middle of it. Showing up to see her gone is one thing, watching her leave is another entirely.

 

It isn’t until the door slams closed that Alex continues to dress.

 

Kelley tells herself to stop Alex, tries to force herself to do something, _say_ something, but she can’t. No matter how many times she opens her mouth, no matter how many times she tries to will her limbs to move forward, she can’t.

 

She just can’t.

 

She watches Alex dress and then she watches her walk towards her, stopping when she realizes Kelley isn’t going anywhere.

 

“Kelley, move,” Alex says, her voice breaking.

 

It’s then that Kelley somehow finds the power to speak. “Please don’t do this,” she begs. “Please don’t go.”

 

“I have to,” Alex insists. She tries to move around Kelley, but Kelley steps in front of her. “Kelley, _please_.” She’d made the same desperate request last night, but it had an entirely different meaning.

 

“Just talk to me. We need to talk, this is a big deal,” Kelley pleads. She reaches out for her hands, but Alex jerks hers away.

 

“Let me go!” Alex shouts. “This was a--a _mistake_! We should not have done this. It didn’t mean anything, Kelley.”

 

“You don’t mean that.”

 

Kelley doesn’t know why she says that. Of course Alex means it. Kelley means it to, but now that she’s actually faced with denying it, it feels wrong. Maybe it didn’t mean much, but she doesn’t want to cheapen whatever there is. There’s a reason they both turned to each other last night and it wasn’t just out of convenience.

 

Maybe there is something there, if only she can make Alex see it.

 

“Yes I do! I was upset and you were there, that’s it. It didn’t mean anything to me.” There’s a slight hesitation before Alex adds, “ _you_ mean nothing to me.”

 

That renders Kelley powerless.

 

When Alex tries to move past her this time, Kelley doesn’t make any effort to stop her. She lets her walk right past and out the door. It slams once again, but this time Kelley barely hears it. All she can hear are Alex’s last five words to her playing on a loop in her head, her heart breaking a little more each time.

 

She knew deep down it meant nothing, it couldn’t ever mean anything, not with Alex. But actually hearing her say it, letting those words filter through her ears and sink into her brain, they knock the air right out of her lungs.

 

She can’t breathe all of a sudden no matter how much she tries. She rubs at her chest, trying to get her lungs to start working again, but it’s no use. As she’s sinking to the floor, back pressed against the door, she wonders if she’ll ever know again what it means to breathe.

 

Kelley told herself last night that she had nothing left to lose, but she was wrong.

 

Not only did she lose Alex, but she lost herself too.

 

She isn’t sure which one is worse.

**_one--come and take my hand, i’ll give the very best i can_ **

Kelley loses herself for a while after Alex.

 

No one knows about what happened in that godforsaken hotel room in Germany, they all just assume it’s residual heartbreak from the loss, so no one questions it when she drinks a little too much and sleeps a little too late for weeks. The just let her slowly self destruct.

 

She sees the worried glances from her mother, the hushed conversations she has with her father when they think she isn’t paying attention. She knows her sister would never spend so much time at home if she weren’t worried about her and her brother challenges her to one too many paddle board races on the lake behind their house for it to be casual. She knows he’s trying to distract her, knows her mom probably asked him to, but she goes along with it. She’s devastated, but she doesn’t want them to worry.

 

Tobin asks her what happened exactly once.

 

It’s during a brief Skype conversation that’s awkward from the start because Kelley can tell right away Tobin has an ulterior motive. She tries to ease into it, asking about her family and lamely about the weather, but eventually Kelley can’t take the tension anymore and tells Tobin to just ask what she really wants.

 

“Did something happen between you and Alex?”

 

It’s a simple question with a complicated answer.

 

On one hand, something _did_ happen between them, but on the other, nothing did because Alex is so adamant on forgetting about it. This huge, wonderful, terrible thing happened between them, but Kelley has to pretend it didn’t because that’s what Alex wants and she tries to convince herself it’s easier that way.

 

She doesn’t know what to tell Tobin, but knows she needs to say something. She takes the fall, makes up some lame excuse about Alex being pissed about the loss and Kelley saying something stupid to try and cheer her up, but just making things worse. It’s a terrible lie and Tobin sees right through it, but she doesn’t ask anything else, understanding that Kelley doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

Kelley ends the conversation quickly after that, claiming her mom needs help carrying in the groceries even though her mom hasn’t left the house all day.

 

Tobin doesn’t fight her, but she does make sure to say one more thing before they hang up.

 

“Just know I’m always here for you no matter what it is. I love you, Kell.”

 

She puts on a brave face and tells Tobin she loves her too, but as soon as Tobin’s face is gone from her computer screen, she cries and cries until she falls asleep.

 

She doesn’t go down for dinner that night.

 

Two weeks later and she’s sick of sitting on her ass, wallowing in self pity, so she decides to finally do something about it. She starts running twice a day and training by herself on her old high school’s field in between. 

 

She’s rusty after being stagnant for so long, but she tells herself she isn’t going to let Alex be the reason her career goes down the drain. She has a rough go of it in the beginning, working out muscles that haven’t been used in a couple weeks, cleaning up her sloppy dribbling and first touches, but by the time the high school team starts up with their fall preseason and asks her to join in, she’s feeling better than she ever has.

 

It’s two months almost to the day when she finally sees Alex again, at their first camp since the World Cup.

 

Alex doesn’t so much as look at her.

 

Kelley vows to herself right then to never get involved with a teammate ever again. Sure, it’s gone right for her more times than it’s gone wrong, but that one wrong time fucked her over in a way she doesn’t know if she’ll ever fully recover from.

 

She’s done sleeping with teammates and that’s all there is to it.

 

She lasts four years.

 

From the moment she first meets Emily, Kelley knows she’s different from anyone she’s ever been with before. She’s young and bright eyed and has a smile that never leaves her freckled face. She makes Kelley laugh effortlessly and makes her feel _young_ again after injuries and one too many heartaches over the past few years have worn her down.

 

When she’s around Emily, she’s smiling more, laughing more, _living_ more. She runs harder, pushes herself further, trains better than she has in years and it’s all in an attempt to keep up with Emily, impress her even though Kelley doesn’t realize it at first. When Kelley breaks the beep test record at January camp, she sends a wink in Emily’s direction to let her know she couldn’t have done it without her.

 

Kelley’s hesitant for anything to happen, she made a promise to herself after all and she doesn’t make a habit of breaking promises, especially ones to herself.

 

Deep down she knows she’s powerless, though. Emily’s sweet, smiling face pops up on her phone too often for it to be friendly and the UVA shirts taking the place of her Stanford ones in her suitcase after camps are becoming too frequent to be accidental. She loses track of how many times she pulls on sweatpants that are just a little too tight on her hips only to realize they’re Emily’s. For an Under Armour sponsored athlete, she has far too many Adidas clothes in her dresser.

 

Emily has a subtle way of taking over Kelley’s life without her even realizing it until it’s too late.

 

Kelley doesn’t think she minds even though she tries to tell herself she should. Emily’s just so damn cute and funny and witty for Kelley to be bothered by her new constant companion at camps. 

 

Christen asks her about it first, in their hotel room in Nashville and the way Tobin suddenly takes way too much interest in her phone tells Kelley that she's likely the one that put Christen up to it. 

 

“So you and Emily,” Christen says, trying to be casual, but considering they were talking about Jerry’s wedding planning just before, it isn't casual _or_ subtle. “What's that about?”

 

Kelley does her best to act confused because honestly, she hasn't given it much thought. Emily’s cute and she likes hanging out with her, but she's not after anything in particular right now. They're hanging out, they're having fun, they're enjoying each other's company. Kelley promised she wouldn't sleep with another teammate and so she isn't. 

 

She has to admit she wants too, though. 

 

Kelley shrugs and flops back on her bed so she doesn't have to look at Christen. “We’re friends.”

 

Tobin snorts out a laugh. “You and I were friends too, look how that turned out.”

 

Christen shoots a scowl at Tobin and Kelley takes a balled up shirt from the end of her bed and throws it right at Tobin’s face. 

 

“Weren't you the one who said we needed to be subtle?” Christen grumbles, pushing Tobin’s legs off her lap and crossing her legs underneath her. 

 

“Weren't you the one who told me I didn't know how to be subtle?” Tobin counters. “Look, all I'm saying is ‘friends’ doesn't exactly mean much when it comes to you, Kell. Not that that's a bad thing, but Christen and I both have firsthand experience with that, so don't give me the ‘we’re friends’ line because we all know it's bullshit.”

 

Kelley sighs and sits up, swinging her legs over the side of her bed so she’s actually facing them both instead of alternating between staring at the ceiling and the Grey’s Anatomy episode that’s playing on mute on the TV. “There honestly isn’t anything to really say. She’s cute, I like her, but we’re friends and that’s it.”

 

“Why don’t you do something about it?” Christen asks.

 

“I don’t know,” Kelley shrugs, suddenly becoming very interested in whatever life saving surgery is happening on the screen across from her bed, despite there not being any sound. “I fucked it up last time, Alex and I are still trying to get back to where we were before Germany. I don’t want that to happen with Emily. She’s too important to me.”

 

Neither Tobin nor Christen know exactly what went down between her and Alex. They know that _something_ happened and they know it went badly, but they don’t know the specifics. Both Kelley and Alex have made it clear that what happened is staying between them and their friends have respected that.

 

It’s been almost five years since that fateful day and Kelley is finally in a good place, she’s finally healed her heart, she doesn’t want to screw it up again. Most importantly, she doesn’t want to screw up Emily. She values her far too much to let that happen. She knows what heartbreak is like and she refuses to do that to Emily.

 

“Who says that would happen with her? Maybe you’ve learned your lesson and you’ll do it right this time,” Christen suggests. “You’re a good person, Kell, and you deserve to be happy. Why can’t you be happy with Emily?”

 

Those words stick in her head for weeks afterwards.

 

_Why can’t you be happy with Emily?_

 

It’s a simple question, one she dismisses easily and Christen let her, moving on to talk with Tobin about their vacation plans after the NWSL season, letting Kelley get stuck in her own head and think about everything on her own.

 

Why can’t she be happy with Emily? Christen’s right, she learned her lesson with Alex, she knows the mistakes she made and she isn’t going to make them again. That isn’t the issue.

 

The issue is she’s afraid of Emily not wanting her the way she does.

 

Emily is attracted to girls, Kelley knows that much. She was with a few at UVA, though it was never very serious. That isn’t something she needs to worry about, but just because Emily has been with girls before, it doesn’t mean she wants to be with Kelley.

 

Emily is beautiful and smart and funny and young. She could have anyone she wanted, why should she want Kelley?

 

Sure, she smiles at Kelley and seeks her out whenever she gets the chance. They share clothes and they share beds and they share each other’s time. If Kelley weren’t so afraid of getting rejected, she’d probably be more than willing to push things a little further with Emily.

 

She couldn’t handle losing Emily, she couldn’t bear it, not after how close they’ve become. They may have only been in each other’s lives for half a year at this point, but she can’t imagine her life without her, doesn’t know what she’d do if she had to go from being so close with Emily to being nothing like what happened with Alex. She managed to make it through the first time, but she couldn’t do it again.

 

Not with her.

 

So she swallows her feelings and keeps them to herself.

 

She sends steely glares in Christen and Tobin’s directions whenever they look at her in any regards involving Emily. Eventually they just stop, give up and let Kelley deal with this on her own, without their interference.

 

It goes on for months.

 

They get closer. They sneak off on their own and explore Brazil. Emily holds her while she cries after they lose against Sweden. They call each other almost every day. They meet up once their seasons are over. 

 

They’re friends.

 

Nothing happens.

 

At least until it does.

 

It's cliche as all hell how it happens, at Allie’s wedding of all places with all of Kelley’s past teammate conquests praying witness to the one time she finally gets it right. 

 

She’s been having a hard time keeping her eyes off Emily all night. The red dress she’s in is doing her absolutely all the favors it possibly can and Kelley still sees the way Emily’s legs look even when she’s not looking at her. The image of them is burned deep in her brain, toned and firm enough that Kelley wants to know what they’d feel like wrapped around her waist.

 

It’s towards the end of the night, guests have already started to leave and they’re playing the last couple songs. On the last slow song of the night, Kelley’s sitting at their table on her own, watching as Tobin and Christen hold each other tightly on the dancefloor, as Alex and Servando sway drunkenly, as Allie and Bati look at each other like they hung the stars in the sky.

 

It hurts a little, seeing these people that she wasn’t able to make things work with, work it out on their own, without her. She’s moved on from them all, only ever had real feelings for one, but to see them happy and in love while she’s still struggling to figure everything out, it’s a bit of a blow to her confidence.

 

Then she feels someone tap on her shoulder.

 

She turns around to see Emily, smiling down at her like she’s the only person in the room and holding her hand out in invitation. “Dance with me?” She asks softly, nodding towards where all their friends are, despite the song already being halfway over.

 

“I know I look pathetic here sitting on my own, but I don’t need a pity dance,” Kelley jokes, assuming that’s the only reason Emily would come over and ask her this.

 

Emily’s eyebrows scrunch up, a cross between confusion and offense, clearly not a fan of Kelley’s self deprecating line. “It’s not a pity dance and you don’t look pathetic,” she insists. “I’m asking you to dance because you look pretty and I’m tired of waiting around for you to make the first move.”

 

Kelley swallows hard, eyes crossing over every inch of Emily’s face, trying to decipher if she just heard her right or if she’s imagining the words that just fell from her perfectly pink lips.

 

Is this happening? Has Emily really felt the same way as she does the whole time? Has this opportunity really been here for the taking for who even knows how long and Kelley has just been too blind to see it? Is she really that oblivious? Is she really that scared?

 

“So…what you’re saying is…” Kelley starts, still trying to figure out what’s going on.

 

Emily smiles at her and then kneels beside her chair, resting a hand on her knee for reasons other than support and looks up at Kelley with bright blue eyes. “I’m saying that I like you and you’re taking too long to ask me yourself. Now, are you going to dance with me or am I going to have to drag Lindsey out there instead?”

 

“I uhm…I…” Kelley takes a deep breath to steady herself.

 

Her mind is racing, thoughts and memories from the past year flying through her brain at lightning speed, nothing staying long enough for her to actually interpret, just flashes of Emily’s smile, her laugh, her eyes. It isn’t until she actually looks into Emily’s eyes that her head finally goes quiet. The thoughts stop and everything clicks into place. There’s really only one answer to this question, the only one there’s ever been.

 

“Yes,” Kelley finally manages to choke out. “Yeah, I would love to dance with you.”

 

“I was really hoping you’d say that,” Emily says with a sigh of relief. She stands up again and waits until Kelley takes her open hand so she can help her up from her chair and lead her to the dancefloor.

 

Kelley knows there’s only about a minute left in the song, knows that Tobin and Christen, Allie and Alex, are all watching her right now, teasing smiles and curious eyes, knows the alcohol in both their systems is the only reason either of them actually have the courage to finally be doing this, but she doesn’t care.

 

She doesn’t care how she got here. She just cares that she’s here. She just cares about Emily’s arms looping around her neck, fingers playing with the hair at the base of her skull. She just cares that as she wraps her arms around Emily’s waist, she moves in more closely, letting their stomachs press flat up against each other. 

 

She just cares about the way Emily’s smiling at her like she’s the most important thing she’s ever held in her arms.

 

Kelley’s got a question she wants to ask, but she waits until the song ends at least. The next song starts, something fast paced and in Spanish that Bati and one of his groomsmen get really excited about, but they don’t step away from each other. They keep holding on tightly, swaying like the same song from before is still playing. They ignore the cat call Tobin sends their way, the additional one Ashlyn adds when she finally spots them.

 

Kelley’s pretending that she can’t hear Christen and Ali scold their girlfriends for their teasing when she finally asks Emily the question she’s been wanting to for the last few minutes.

 

“So, you like me huh?” She asks with a cocky grin.

 

“Shut up,” Emily says, rolling her eyes and tightening her grip around Kelley’s neck, pulling their faces closer together. “If you would’ve made your move sooner, you would have already known the answer to that question.”

 

“I didn’t think you wanted me to make a move,” Kelley tells her. It isn’t necessarily the truth, she didn’t know if Emily wanted her to or not, but it’s close enough.

 

“I’ve been dropping hints that I’ve wanted you to kiss me for months. Was stealing your clothes and clinging to you when we sleep and intentionally FaceTiming you in nothing but a towel not obvious enough for you?”

 

“I knew you did that on purpose!” Kelley exclaims, kicking herself for not realizing what was right in front of her. She’d figured Emily was just showing how comfortable she was around Kelley, but she should’ve known that wasn’t the case. Emily knew what she was doing, knew the way Kelley’s mouth went dry while another place did the opposite. “Dammit, I’m such an idiot,” Kelley mumbles.

 

“Maybe, but you’re a cute idiot.” Emily brushes hair away from Kelley’s face, lets her thumb linger and trace back and forth across Kelley’s jawline. “None of that matters now though, okay? We’re here and that’s all I care about.”

 

“So…I know you said you’ve been waiting on me to make a move and you’ve already had to make the first one, but is it okay if I make the second?” She leans in closer, making it crystal clear exactly what her intentions are, waiting until Emily answers so she can give her the chance to back out if it isn’t what she wants.

 

She has a feeling Emily isn’t going to back out, though.

 

She’s right.

 

The corners of Emily’s lips turn up in a megawatt grin as the tips of her ears go red, something Kelley knows she does when she’s embarrassed, but in a good way.

 

“I was kinda hoping you would,” Emily says smoothly, darting out her tongue to lick her lips and her eyes lock on Kelley’s lips, willing Kelley to get a move on and kiss her already.

 

Kelley’s wasted enough time with Emily, she doesn’t plan on wasting anymore.

 

She leans up and presses her lips to Emily’s softly and all the noise around them fades away. It’s like she’s got cotton stuffed in her ears, the music and noise from the crowd sounding a million miles away. All the can hear is the blood rushing through her head and the soft sigh Emily lets out as Kelley takes her bottom lip between hers.

 

It’s a sound she’ll remember for the rest of her life, because it’s so much more than just a sigh. 

 

It’s the sound of her finally figuring it out, finally getting it right.

 

Kelley’s never heard anything so sweet before.

 

In that moment, Kelley knows that everything was worth it. All the missed chances, all the meaningless hookups, all the heartache, it’s all okay because it was all just part of the plan. All the people before were just stops along the road, dotting her way towards her final destination.

 

To Emily.

 

She never got it right before because no one else was right for her.

 

Emily, though, well it’s always been her. Kelley just needed a little time to figure it out. And now that she has? She’s never looking back again.

 

She’s only looking forward.

 

Only at Emily.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the super angsty kellex part. i think i'm gonna have to write something happy for them to make up for it


End file.
